Relationship Communication: 5 Fatal Errors That Drive Couples Apart (and How to Fix Them)

What no one tells you about how to communicate in love

Communication is about how we connect, how we feel welcomed or attacked, heard or ignored.

Have you ever felt hurt during a conversation with someone you love—even without shouting or insults? Have you tried to explain yourself only to make things worse? When communication between a couple fails, it’s not just the conversation that suffers. Trust, affection, and even the desire to be together gradually wear away.

Many people think that conversing is just about speaking and listening. But in practice, it’s about how we connect, how we feel welcomed or attacked, heard or ignored.

In this article, we’ll discuss 5 common—and dangerous—errors that occur in exchanges between couples. Small attitudes that, repeated over time, can transform into walls. And we’ll also show how to change them with awareness, affection, and practice.

1. Criticism That Hurts Instead of Bringing You Closer

Expressing what bothers you is healthy. But when a complaint turns into a personal attack, everything changes tone. Phrases like “You’re selfish” or “You never care about me” sound like judgment—not requests. Unlike a specific complaint about a behavior (constructive feedback), criticism attacks the partner’s personality or character.

This communication pattern creates an environment of hostility and resentment, where each interaction becomes a battlefield instead of a space for exchange. The criticized person may begin to withdraw for protection or, conversely, respond with equal aggression, escalating the conflict.

➡️ The problem: the listener shuts down, defends themselves, or counterattacks. The conversation becomes a dispute.

How to do it differently: - Talk about your feelings, not the other person’s flaws. Replace “You’re lazy” with “I feel overwhelmed when I need to take care of everything alone. Can we divide the tasks better?” - Use “I feel” to open space for dialogue, without guilt or accusations.

2. Contempt: When Tone Speaks Louder Than Words

You know that dismissive look? The sarcasm? The eye-rolling? The hurtful comment disguised as a joke? That’s contempt—and according to researcher John Gottman, it’s one of the strongest signs that a relationship may end.

Contempt goes beyond criticism; it communicates a profound lack of respect and a sense of superiority toward the other. It’s a behavior that leaves no room for empathy or constructive conflict resolution, as it starts from a premise of devaluing the other person.

➡️ The problem: contempt erodes respect and destroys mutual admiration. It silently wounds.

How to do it differently: - Look again at what you admire in the person. Remember qualities, give simple and genuine compliments in daily life. - In moments of anger, ask yourself: “what am I trying to say behind this provocation?” Speaking about pain without attacking is an act of courage.

3. Defensiveness: When Every Statement Becomes a Threat

If every criticism is answered with a justification, counterattack, or victimization, the couple enters an endless cycle. “You forgot to heat up our dinner” becomes “Well, you never thank me for anything either!”

Although it may seem like a form of self-protection, defensiveness actually escalates the conflict and prevents both partners from feeling heard and validated. It sends the message that you’re not willing to consider the other’s perspective or acknowledge your part in the problem. Instead of building bridges of understanding, defensiveness erects walls that isolate partners.

➡️ The problem: nobody truly listens. The exchange becomes a competition to see who suffers more.

How to do it differently: - Breathe. Listen. Try to find some truth in what the other person is saying, even if you don’t agree with everything. - A simple “I understand that you felt hurt” can open space to repair the relationship—without needing to give the other person complete validation.

4. Silence as Punishment: Emotional Stonewalling

Some prefer to remain silent to avoid arguments. But when silence is used as a wall, it also hurts. The other person feels ignored, rejected, excluded from the conversation—and from the relationship. This behavior is frequently interpreted as disinterest, indifference, disapproval, or even punishment. It makes the partner who’s trying to communicate feel invisible, unimportant, and deeply frustrated.

Emotional stonewalling is particularly harmful because it prevents any form of repair or resolution. It’s a dead end in communication. Often, it’s the result of emotional flooding, where the person feels so overwhelmed by negative emotions that disconnecting seems like the only way to protect themselves.

➡️ The problem: the absence of response generates insecurity and loneliness. The couple disconnects.

How to do it differently: - If you need time to calm down, say so: “I’m overwhelmed right now. Can I take a breath and we’ll continue later?” - If it’s the other person who goes silent, try naming it: “I feel empty when you shut down. Can we find a better way to talk together?”

5. Not Knowing How to Make Amends

Every relationship has conflict. What defines a couple’s health isn’t the absence of arguments—it’s the ability to reconnect afterward. Ignoring the damage, pretending nothing happened, or avoiding contact only increases the distance.

Failing to make repair attempts—such as apologizing, showing empathy, using humor (appropriately), or simply acknowledging the negative impact of the discussion—leaves emotional wounds open that can fester and undermine trust and intimacy in the long term.

Repair doesn’t necessarily mean that the original problem was completely resolved, but rather that the emotional connection between partners has been restored and that both are willing to move forward together.

➡️ The problem: without repair, wounds accumulate. And one day they become walls difficult to tear down.

How to do it differently: - Create small “bridges”: an apology, a caress, a symbolic gesture, a sincere conversation. You don’t need to have all the answers. Just show that you care and want to try again.

An Invitation to Change

Nobody learns to communicate perfectly—nor do they need to. But learning to listen with the heart, to speak with less defense and more truth, is a choice that transforms any relationship.

If you and your partner have been getting lost in words (or in their absence), couples therapy can be a powerful path to rediscover connection. With support, technique, and care, it’s possible to transform conflicts into bridges—and rediscover the love that united you.

📅 Want to talk about this?

Michelle Maoli is a psychologist with training in couples therapy from the Gottman Institute. She offers sessions online and in-person, in Portuguese and English.

Schedule a session here and begin the reconnection journey.